<h1>
Is This All Life Is?
</h1>
<h2>
By:
April Bub
</h2>
<h3>
[[Play]]
</h3>We all see a path ahead of us: a direction we want our life to go; what we hope to see from it and how to get there. But how many of those visions were tainted and twisted by the things around us? Is our vision really <b>our</b> vision, or is it the one that others want for us?
Then I stop and think, as the people walk by me on the street, how many of these visions have a shadow looming over them? How many of these visions were forged in a pit of despair and suffering? How many of these visions aren't allowed to grow and develop because the black veins of depression, anxiety, fear... stunt their growth? How many... how many of these visions can only see the one end in sight, and who walking past is the one that sees it so clearly?
Is it the mother struggling from the loss of her baby? Is it the man who thinks everyone wants to kill him? Is it the veteran who can't even stand the clinking of the spoon in a coffee cup because it reminds him of the war? Or is it me, the girl who hears and sees things that aren't there? How many of them would have taken that leap?
Was that their decision to make, or was that too twisted by the vision the others have for us?
[[Would you like to play again?|Title]]<h2>
Warning!
</h2>
This game does discuss the problems of mental health, depression, and suicide. If any of these topics make you feel uncomfortable or could be triggering, I highly recommend for you to proceed with caution.
Since this game focuses on personal choices and goals, if you decide not to play this game and therefore cannot do the review of it, I would love for you to write instead about your life goals (career, family, personal goals) and what makes you enjoy life in general.
Thanks,
April Bub
[[Start Game]]<h4>Are we recording?</h4>
<h6>
[[Yes]]
</h6><h4>
Cool, then I can start.
</h4>
<h4>
The last time I have ever felt normal was when I was a kid. You know how you have an imaginary friend when you're younger and all the parents fawn over how cute your being when talking to them?
</h4>
<h4>
Well, I had about 20 of them that I would constantly see and always hang out with, but I also saw others too. There were way too many to count, but back then I thought it was just the life of a kid, you know?
</h4>
<h6>
[[When did you realize that you weren't well?]]
</h6><h4><i>"Weren't well?"</i> What kind of phrasing is that? Yeah, I'm screwed up in the head, but other than that I am perfectly fine, don't ya think?</h4>
<h4>
But I'll rephrase your question and then answer it for you: <i>"When did you realize not everyone could see the things you could?"</i> Doesn't that sound a whole lot better?
</h4>
<h4>
Now, what is the age where parents finally stop thinking talking to imaginary friends isn't as cute anymore? Nine? Ten? Anyways, eventually they were getting pretty annoyed with the fact that I wasn't "developing" normally. They took me to a psychiatrist, and when I told them I could actually see and hear people, especially the lady looming over his shoulder, he just laughed me off!
</h4>
<h4>
Well, that was until I offered to draw her and get her name, and then he got all pale and became a sputtering mess, and then diagnosed me as something labeled a schizophrenic? I don't know the exact term for it, but I don't think it was ever accurate.
</h4>
<h6>
[[Can you see or hear anybody right now?]]
</h6><h4>
Other than you? No. All visions kind of went away after the event happened.
</h4>
<h6>
[[Can you describe that event for me?]]
</h6><h4>
Describe the event that almost killed me? Sure. I can do that.
</h4>
<h4>
But for you to know that you are going to have to learn the whole story.
</h4>
<h4>
It all started in that Psychiatrist's office...
</h4>
[[Continue|The Office]]<i>You see, I was twelve at the time...</i>
"What do you mean our daughter is schizophrenic? That can't possibly be right!"
"I do not know how I can explain this but considering she is seeing <b>and<b> hearing things that is my final diagnosis. It is up to you what you want to do with her, but I recommend getting her help right away."
"At that facility on the hill? You cannot be serious. Our daughter is not a lunatic, and that place is for lunatics!"
"Sir, I understand your rage and confusion, but I must ask you to calm down. It is the best option for her, especially if she thinks she is seeing people. What happens when one of the people she sees attacks her and when she tries to defend herself, she hurts someone else? Then that would be on you."
<i>I never understood why exactly they were so anxious about me not knowing they were hallucinations. [[After that point, I always knew which people were fake, and which ones weren't.]]</i><i>But they still threw me in a van headed off to the big building on the top of the hill.</i>
"Honey, I know she is only twelve, but we have to do this, she is a danger to society."
"Is that her dad or her psychiatrist talking. Jacob, we cannot just send our daughter to the loony bin! What kind of parents would that make us?"
"Good ones, Sarah. It would make us good ones."
<i>They didn't even let me pack my bag of anything back home, and I never saw them again. [[I have nothing left of my childhood, but that isn't such a bad thing I guess.]]<i>My arrival at the asylum wasn't very eventful to tell the truth, it kind of felt like an over glorified school. That was until I heard all the rules</i>
"Meals are at 8, 12, and 4 every day; no more, no less. You get four bathroom visits, one after every meal and once before bed. Lights out at 10, wake up at 6. You get one hour outside after breakfast, and one hour in the rec room after that. After lunch will be your treatment, and then you will stay in your room the rest of the day. Don't be loud or rowdy, that will result in extra treatment. You get medication twice a day, one before breakfast, one after dinner."
<i>All the instructions made my head hurt, and the voices here were just so loud I could hardly think. By the time we made it to my room I just wanted to fall in bed and sleep forever. Of course, I never got that luxury.</i>
"Here is your room. Lay down in bed."
<p>"Is that it? It looks like a slab of concrete."</p>
"Do as I say young lady, or your treatments will start extra early."
<i>So I did as he said. For ten years I followed their routine, stayed away from people, and the yelling in my head [[got worse before it got better.]]</i>They did a lot to "cure" me: electrotherapy, isolation, physical wounds. None of it really worked, but they still kept doing it every day.
It wasn't until I was twenty-two when things started to fall apart there. Looking back on it, there were four days of torture and suffering before the "event" occurred.
<h6>[[Can you tell me about those four days? What happened to you?]]<h6>Now that's the real question isn't it, what did happen to me? I will be honest and say I don't really know. But hey, maybe we can work that out together.
[[Continue|Day 1]]<h1>
Day One
</h1>
<h5>
[[Continue]]
</h5><i>When I had woken up that morning, I had one of my visions standing over me, whispering in my ear to talk to someone today. Really wasn't what I had planned, since I normally stay to myself, but I couldn't ignore the voice. It followed me around all through breakfast.</i>
My back feels sore from the stupid mattress they make us sleep on every night, but the pills always seem to make it better. They always give them to us right before we go to eat. I can feel the weight of the vision's gaze on the back of my head as I swallow the pills down.
<h6>"Don't forget what I have told you. Talk to someone today."</h6>
"Yeah, yeah I know. Now could you please just stop talking. You're giving me a headache."
The alarm that signals us to leave our rooms buzzes loudly above me and my door swings open.
<i>They never walked with us to the cafeteria. Instead, they put the fear of God in us to make sure we would always go where they wanted us to without them there. No one wanted extra electroshock therapy.</i>
[[Walk to the Cafeteria|Cafeteria Day1]]<i>They always fed us the worst food imaginable. Something about budget cuts or other nonsense. Anything to save a quick buck.</i>
The oatmeal and toast never sat well with me before, but my body was starting to get used to the overly bland food. I glanced around the small room to see if there was anybody new. It was so easy to pick up on it because they would eat slowly and make disgusted faces the entire time. Everyone who has been here for a while knew better than that.
The vision was standing by the door watching me the entire time. I could feel his burning gaze, but it would do me no good to try and start anything here. The buzzing alarm sounded again, and we were ushered into our outdoor rec area.
[[Walk to outside area.|Rec Area Day 1]]
<i>They always made it seem like a big deal, but after you got rid of everything that could cause any bit of harm, or be used as a weapon, we were left with a big open patch of grass.</i>
The vision hadn't followed me out here, so I know this is what he meant. There weren't many people I would consider talking to out here, especially the overtly violent ones. Three of the other residents caught my eye.
[[Talk to Jennifer Styker]] - Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
[[Talk to Johnathan Kigmner]] - The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
[[Talk to Tyler Jackson]] - The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck with him. <i>That woman always tugged at my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and then be abandoned by your spouse. She went through hell and she was still kicking. I talked to her that first day, and I don't regret that for a second.</i>
"Hey, uh, can I sit down by you?"
She looked up at me and I could see fresh tears in her eyes. The scars on her arms stood out in the sunlight. They forced us all into short sleeve shirts so they could keep track of any self-harm, but I could tell she was uncomfortable with them being visible.
"Why?"
"Well, you seemed like you could use a friend."
I can tell she is wary, but she still nodded her head. We sat in silence for a while before she quietly whispered "Alaina."
"What?"
"Alaina. That was what I was going to name my little girl. When I miscarried, my husband blamed me for everything. Told me it was my fault that she died. I couldn't handle the guilt. I thought that maybe if I were to shed some blood, maybe God would accept it as a gift, but nothing happened. I never got pregnant again. So, my husband threw me in here, claimed I was crazy, but I know it was because he was having a baby with someone else. I just couldn't prove it."
[["I am so sorry."]]<i>That man had risked his life for this country, and instead of welcoming him home with medals of honor and a big, fat check, they threw him in a building for the criminally insane. I could relate to him, which was why I talked to him that first day, because we were both screwed over by the system.</i>
I made sure that he could see me before I said anything. The sound of him screaming until his voice went mute was enough to haunt my dreams for days after the fact. And yet, instead of trying to talk him through his trauma, they electrocuted him every day of the week.
"May I sit with you?"
I could see the gears turning in his brain as he prepared himself for the sound of his own voice. "If you must."
I nodded at him once and sat down. His questioning gaze made it hard for me to relax.
I opened my mouth to make it clear to him I was about to speak. "So, do you have any stories from your time at the war? Any fun memories of places you got to see?"
I could tell the question surprised him, but his face broke out into a grin a couple seconds later. "Normal people don't ask me that anymore, too afraid I will break down on them."
[["Good thing I'm not like normal people then,"]] I said with a smile.
<i>I still trusted that child murderer more than the others in that field. I thought that I could just approach him, have him yell at me to stay away, and then tell the vision that I had at least tried to talk to him. At the time it seemed like a good idea.</i>
I looked at him sitting in the field, muttering to himself under his breath.
Besides all that trouble with him though, I trusted him more than the others in the field.
I walked up to him, and before I could even get a word out, he started screaming bloody murder.
I flinched back, and he tackled me to the ground. "You can't kill me you stupid bitch! I won't allow it!"
The orderlies ran to us and quickly separated us. "Treatment this instant for both of you!"
[[Go with orderlies.|Therapy and Room Day 1 Tyler]]<i>After she was done talking, we cried together where we sat. She hung on me like she was starving for physical contact, and for the first time in my life... I allowed it. I knew I couldn't let her believe that it was her fault.</i>
"Nothing that happened was your fault. Don't make yourself believe that. All that was, was him using you and your emotions against you. Please, don't believe that."
She just sobbed harder. "I - I don't, you're right, it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be. I did everything they told me I should."
One of the orderlies walked by us, and then shouted, "Hey! Stop crying over there." She didn't. "That's it, we need to take you back to your treatment."
"She's just crying! You can't just electrocute her and throw her into isolation. Can't you see that!"
"You know what? Treatment time for you too then. Come on, both of you up and let's go."
[[Follow Orderly|Therapy and Room Day1]]
<i>I never can remember the exact details of the treatments they did thanks to the electrotherapy. Strap you to a chair, send however many volts to your brain, try to convince you that you are anyone besides yourself. It never worked. I could still see the scientist in the lab coat that nobody else could, especially right away after I regained consciousness.
After each "treatment" they would always drop you back off in your room for the rest of the day, if that treatment was actually punishment anyways.</i>
The night's daily dose of medicine was slid under my door, and I had to take it on an empty stomach. I could see the vision from earlier appear in my peripheral vision. "What do you want now? I did what you asked and talked to someone. They kind of shocked me into submission so the least I could get is a thank you."
<h6>"You failed."</h6>
"Failed what? There wasn't anything to fail."
<h6>"You must try again tomorrow."</h6>
"You seriously want me to talk to another new person tomorrow? You have got to be kidding."
I didn't get an answer more than him disappearing. If only I could control my visions, maybe I could have gotten him to answer me for once.
Not much left to do today.
[[Go to sleep.|Day 2 Jennifer]]<h1>Day Two</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Room Day2 Jennifer ]]</h5><i>That morning when I had woken up, the vision wasn't there. If he assumed that I had failed, then maybe I should just talk to Jennifer again and that would make him happy. I wasn't expecting to not ever be able to do that again.</i>
The medicine was slid under my door once again, and I took it a second before the alarms blared and the door swung open. I rushed to the cafeteria and grabbed my tray of slop and glanced around the room.
I couldn't see Jennifer anywhere, where is she?
An orderly walked through the door and stood on the little stage up front. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Jennifer hung herself from the ceiling with her bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
In the time that the orderly was speaking, I had fallen into the seat of the table and already downed half my food. When I looked at my plate again, I couldn't see anything except her face filled with tears as we sat outside the previous day. I thought she didn't blame herself anymore, what the hell happened?
The alarm buzzed once again, signaling the time to move to the rec area.
[[Walk to Outside Area|Day 2 Rec Jennifer]]<i>I spent the better part of the hour there with him as he recounted his journey across the sea. I can still see the joy in his eyes when he told me about the woman he fell in love with over there, that he had hoped he could return to after the war. Then, I could see where it took a turn for the worse, because he became reserved and quiet once he recounted the story of his unit.</i>
"We were told to infiltrate one of the possible strongholds of the enemy. Our intel had said that it would be a completely unexpected attack on our part, and we would win the skirmish without even a scratch. We hadn't planned for it to be a trap.
"I was the only one with bomb safety training in my unit, so I tried to insist going first even though there was no immediate threat. My commander would hear none of it and sent me back to the truck. I should've insisted harder, because as soon as the last of my team disappeared into the building, they activated a bomb. It had destroyed the entire building, including all the men inside it. If I would have only stood my ground and went in first, I could've stopped anyone from getting hurt. I blame myself for what happened."
I smiled lightly at him as I felt a tear run down my face. "You couldn't have predicted that to happen. And like you said, you tried to go first, but your superior wouldn't let you. You couldn't have disobeyed direct orders, because they would have sent you away anyways."
He glanced at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as well, "Maybe you are right. Thank you for letting me share my story, and for being there for me."
"Anytime."
The alarm blared loudly and judging by the way Johnathan's face contorted into pain, I realized I had distracted him enough where he wasn't prepared for it. "Oh no."
Then he started screaming bloody murder. The orderlies rushed over and must have assumed it was my fault he was screaming, because I got dragged to my treatment early as a punishment for [[breaking the peace.]]<i>I never can remember the exact details of the treatments they did thanks to the electrotherapy. Strap you to a chair, send however many volts to your brain, try to convince you that you are anyone besides yourself. It never worked. I could still see the scientist in the lab coat that nobody else could, especially right away after I regained consciousness.
After each "treatment" they would always drop you back off in your room for the rest of the day, if that treatment was actually punishment anyways.</i>
The night's daily dose of medicine was slid under my door, and I had to take it on an empty stomach. I could see the vision from earlier appear in my peripheral vision. "What do you want now? I did what you asked and talked to someone. They kind of shocked me into submission so the least I could get is a thank you."
<h6>"You failed."</h6>
"Failed what? There wasn't anything to fail."
<h6>"You must try again tomorrow."</h6>
"You seriously want me to talk to another new person tomorrow? You have got to be kidding."
I didn't get an answer more than him disappearing. If only I could control my visions, maybe I could have gotten him to answer me for once.
Not much left to do today.
[[Go to sleep.|Day 2 John]]<h1>Day Two</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Room Day2 John]]</h5><i>That morning when I had woken up, the vision wasn't there. If he assumed that I had failed, then maybe I should just talk to John again and that would make him happy. I wasn't expecting to not ever be able to do that again.</i>
The medicine was slid under my door once again, and I took it a second before the alarms blared and the door swung open. I rushed to the cafeteria and grabbed my tray of slop and glanced around the room.
I couldn't see John anywhere, where is he?
An orderly walked through the door and stood on the little stage up front. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, John hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive. Now get back to eating."
In the time that the orderly was speaking, I had fallen into the seat of the table and already downed half my food. When I looked at my plate again, I couldn't see anything except his face as we talked outside the previous day. I thought he didn't blame himself anymore, what the hell happened?
The alarm buzzed once again, signaling the time to move to the rec area.
[[Walk to Outside Area|Day 2 Rec John]]<i>I still do not understand why they felt the need to tell us every time someone took their own life in that asylum. Not many people cared, instead worrying more about the food in front of them. That would have been me normally, but I could feel the despair clawing at my heart as I looked out among the field that morning.</i>
The warm breeze and beautiful sky did nothing to unease the sadness I felt in my heart. I hadn't known Jennifer well, but the system and the people in her life had all failed her. Why, why would she kill herself if she didn't take blame for the miscarriage anymore? Is that what the vision meant when he said I failed?
I looked out among the people in the field as I decided who to talk to next. Maybe I can save someone this time.
<s>Talk to Jennifer Styker</s> - Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
[[Talk to Johnathan Kigmner|Talk to John Day 2]] - The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
[[Talk to Tyler Jackson|Talk to Tyler Day 2]] - The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck with him. <i>That man had risked his life for this country, and instead of welcoming him home with medals of honor and a big, fat check, they threw him in a building for the criminally insane. I could relate to him, which was why I talked to him that second day, because we were both screwed over by the system.</i>
I made sure that he could see me before I said anything. The sound of him screaming until his voice went mute was enough to haunt my dreams for days after the fact. And yet, instead of trying to talk him through his trauma, they electrocuted him every day of the week.
"May I sit with you?"
I could see the gears turning in his brain as he prepared himself for the sound of his own voice. "If you must."
I nodded at him once and sat down. His questioning gaze made it hard for me to relax.
I opened my mouth to make it clear to him I was about to speak. "So, do you have any stories from your time at the war? Any fun memories of places you got to see?"
I could tell the question surprised him, but his face broke out into a grin a couple seconds later. "Normal people don't ask me that anymore, too afraid I will break down on them."
[["Good thing I'm not like normal people then,"|John2]] I said with a smile.
<i>I still trusted that child murderer more than the others in that field. I thought that I could just approach him, have him yell at me to stay away, and then tell the vision that I had at least tried to talk to him. At the time it seemed like a good idea.</i>
I looked at him sitting in the field, muttering to himself under his breath.
Besides all that trouble with him though, I trusted him more than the others in the field.
I walked up to him, and before I could even get a word out, he started screaming bloody murder.
I flinched back, and he tackled me to the ground. "You can't kill me you stupid bitch! I won't allow it!"
The orderlies ran to us and quickly separated us. "Treatment this instant for both of you!"
[[Go with orderlies.|Therapy and Room Day 1 Tyler and Jennifer]]<i>I spent the better part of the hour there with him as he recounted his journey across the sea. I can still see the joy in his eyes when he told me about the woman he fell in love with over there, that he had hoped he could return to after the war. Then, I could see where it took a turn for the worse, because he became reserved and quiet once he recounted the story of his unit.</i>
"We were told to infiltrate one of the possible strongholds of the enemy. Our intel had said that it would be a completely unexpected attack on our part, and we would win the skirmish without even a scratch. We hadn't planned for it to be a trap.
"I was the only one with bomb safety training in my unit, so I tried to insist going first even though there was no immediate threat. My commander would hear none of it and sent me back to the truck. I should've insisted harder, because as soon as the last of my team disappeared into the building, they activated a bomb. It had destroyed the entire building, including all the men inside it. If I would have only stood my ground and went in first, I could've stopped anyone from getting hurt. I blame myself for what happened."
I smiled lightly at him as I felt a tear run down my face. "You couldn't have predicted that to happen. And like you said, you tried to go first, but your superior wouldn't let you. You couldn't have disobeyed direct orders, because they would have sent you away anyways."
He glanced at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as well, "Maybe you are right. Thank you for letting me share my story, and for being there for me."
"Anytime."
The alarm blared loudly and judging by the way Johnathan's face contorted into pain, I realized I had distracted him enough where he wasn't prepared for it. "Oh no."
Then he started screaming bloody murder. The orderlies rushed over and must have assumed it was my fault he was screaming, because I got dragged to my treatment early as a punishment for [[breaking the peace.|Peace John Day 2]]<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 Jennifer]]<i>I still do not understand why they felt the need to tell us every time someone took their own life in that asylum. Not many people cared, instead worrying more about the food in front of them. That would have been me normally, but I could feel the despair clawing at my heart as I looked out among the field that morning.</i>
The warm breeze and beautiful sky did nothing to unease the sadness I felt in my heart. I hadn't known John well, but the system and the people in his life had all failed him.
I looked out among the people in the field as I decided who to talk to next. Maybe I can save someone this time.
[[Talk to Jennifer Styker|Talk to Jennifer Day 2]] - Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
<s>Talk to Johnathan Kigmner</s> - The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
[[Talk to Tyler Jackson|Talk to Tyler Day 2 John]] - The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck around him. <i>That woman always tugged at my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and then be abandoned by your spouse. She went through hell and she was still kicking. I talked to her that second day, and I don't regret that for a second.</i>
"Hey, uh, can I sit down by you?"
She looked up at me and I could see fresh tears in her eyes. The scars on her arms stood out in the sunlight. They forced us all into short sleeve shirts so they could keep track of any self-harm, but I could tell she was uncomfortable with them being visible.
"Why?"
"Well, you seemed like you could use a friend."
I can tell she is wary, but she still nodded her head. We sat in silence for a while before she quietly whispered "Alaina."
"What?"
"Alaina. That was what I was going to name my little girl. When I miscarried, my husband blamed me for everything. Told me it was my fault that she died. I couldn't handle the guilt. I thought that maybe if I were to shed some blood, maybe God would accept it as a gift, but nothing happened. I never got pregnant again. So, my husband threw me in here, claimed I was crazy, but I know it was because he was having a baby with someone else. I just couldn't prove it."
[["I am so sorry."|Sorry Jennifer 2]]<i>I still trusted that child murderer more than the others in that field. I thought that I could just approach him, have him yell at me to stay away, and then tell the vision that I had at least tried to talk to him. At the time it seemed like a good idea.</i>
I looked at him sitting in the field, muttering to himself under his breath.
Besides all that trouble with him though, I trusted him more than the others in the field.
I walked up to him, and before I could even get a word out, he started screaming bloody murder.
I flinched back, and he tackled me to the ground. "You can't kill me you stupid bitch! I won't allow it!"
The orderlies ran to us and quickly separated us. "Treatment this instant for both of you!"
[[Follow Orderlies|Treatment Day 2 John]]
<i>After she was done talking, we cried together where we sat. She hung on me like she was starving for physical contact, and for the first time in my life... I allowed it. I knew I couldn't let her believe that it was her fault.</i>
"Nothing that happened was your fault. Don't make yourself believe that. All that was, was him using you and your emotions against you. Please, don't believe that."
She just sobbed harder. "I - I don't, you're right, it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be. I did everything they told me I should."
One of the orderlies walked by us, and then shouted, "Hey! Stop crying over there." She didn't. "That's it, we need to take you back to your treatment."
"She's just crying! You can't just electrocute her and throw her into isolation. Can't you see that!"
"You know what? Treatment time for you too then. Come on, both of you up and let's go."
[[Follow Orderly|Therapy and Room Day2]]
<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 John]]<i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the number of tears I had shed that night for both Jennifer and John. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here. My talks with the two of them made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that Jennifer had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, John hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec Jennifer]]<i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the number of tears I had shed that night for both Jennifer and John. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here. My talks with the two of them made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that Jennifer had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Jennifer hung herself from the ceiling with her bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec John]]<i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to him, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the guy sitting out in the field, Tyler Jackson. The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck with him.
Besides all that trouble with him though, I trusted him more than the others in their field.
I walked up to him, and before I could even get a word out, he started screaming bloody murder.
I flinched back, and he tackled me to the ground. "You can't kill me you stupid bitch! I won't allow it!"
The orderlies ran to us and quickly separated us. "You have got to be kidding me. This is the third day in a row. Treatment right now for the both of you."
[[Go with the orderlies.|Day 3 Room John]]<h1>
Day 3
</h1>
<h5>
[[Continue|Day 3 Cafeteria John]]<h1>
Day 3
</h1>
<h5>
[[Continue|Day 3 Cafeteria Jennifer]]
</h5><i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to him, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the guy sitting out in the field, Tyler Jackson. The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck with him.
Besides all that trouble with him though, I trusted him more than the others in their field.
I walked up to him, and before I could even get a word out, he started screaming bloody murder.
I flinched back, and he tackled me to the ground. "You can't kill me you stupid bitch! I won't allow it!"
The orderlies ran to us and quickly separated us. "You have got to be kidding me. This is the third day in a row. Treatment right now for the both of you."
[[Go with the orderlies.|Day 3 Room Jennifer]]<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<i>I never can remember the exact details of the treatments they did thanks to the electrotherapy. Strap you to a chair, send however many volts to your brain, try to convince you that you are anyone besides yourself. It never worked. I could still see the scientist in the lab coat that nobody else could, especially right away after I regained consciousness.
After each "treatment" they would always drop you back off in your room for the rest of the day, if that treatment was actually punishment anyways.</i>
The night's daily dose of medicine was slid under my door, and I had to take it on an empty stomach. I could see the vision from earlier appear in my peripheral vision. "What do you want now? I did what you asked and talked to someone. They kind of shocked me into submission so the least I could get is a thank you."
<h6>"You failed."</h6>
"Failed what? There wasn't anything to fail."
<h6>"You must try again tomorrow."</h6>
"You seriously want me to talk to another new person tomorrow? You have got to be kidding."
I didn't get an answer more than him disappearing. If only I could control my visions, maybe I could have gotten him to answer me for once.
Not much left to do today.
[[Go to sleep.|Day 2 Tyler]]<h1>Day Two</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Cafeteria day 2 tyler]]</h5><i>That morning when I had woken up, the vision wasn't there. If he assumed that I had failed, then maybe I should just try talking to Tyler again and that would make him happy. I wasn't expecting to not ever be able to do that again.</i>
The medicine was slid under my door once again, and I took it a second before the alarms blared and the door swung open. I rushed to the cafeteria and grabbed my tray of slop and glanced around the room.
I couldn't see Tyler anywhere, where is he?
An orderly walked through the door and stood on the little stage up front. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Tyler hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive. Now get back to eating."
In the time that the orderly was speaking, I had fallen into the seat of the table and already downed half my food. When I looked at my plate again, I couldn't see anything but his face over me when he had tackled me to the ground. Why the hell am I crying over a guy who tackled me?
The alarm buzzed once again, signaling the time to move to the rec area.
[[Walk to Outside Area|Day 2 Rec Tyler]]<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 John and Tyler]]<h1>Day Three</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Cafeteria Day 3 John and Tyler]]</h5><i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the amount of tears I had shed that night for both Tyler and John. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here, even if Tyler tackled me to the ground. My talks with John made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that Jennifer had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Tyler hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec John and Tyler]]<i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to her, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the girl sitting out in the field, Jennifer Styker. Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
[[Talk to Jennifer.|Talk to Jennifer 2]]<i>I still do not understand why they felt the need to tell us every time someone took their own life in that asylum. Not many people cared, instead worrying more about the food in front of them. That would have been me normally, but I could feel the despair clawing at my heart as I looked out among the field that morning.</i>
The warm breeze and beautiful sky did nothing to unease the sadness I felt in my heart. I hadn't known Tyler well, and he might have been delusional, but did he deserve to die?
I looked out among the people in the field as I decided who to talk to next. Maybe I can save someone this time.
[[Talk to Jennifer Styker|Talk to Jennifer Day 2 Tyler]] - Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
[[Talk to Johnathan Kigmner|Talk to John Day 2 Tyler]] - The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
<s>Talk to Tyler Jackson|Talk to Tyler Day 2 John</s> - The guy is straight batshit crazy, like even more than me. He thinks everyone in the world's main mission is to kill him. It even got so bad that he killed a kid that was running down the street in his general direction. The court ruled that he was criminally insane and shouldn't be held accountable, so now the rest of us have to be stuck with him. <i>That woman always tugged at my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and then be abandoned by your spouse. She went through hell and she was still kicking. I talked to her that second day, and I don't regret that for a second.</i>
"Hey, uh, can I sit down by you?"
She looked up at me and I could see fresh tears in her eyes. The scars on her arms stood out in the sunlight. They forced us all into short sleeve shirts so they could keep track of any self-harm, but I could tell she was uncomfortable with them being visible.
"Why?"
"Well, you seemed like you could use a friend."
I can tell she is wary, but she still nodded her head. We sat in silence for a while before she quietly whispered "Alaina."
"What?"
"Alaina. That was what I was going to name my little girl. When I miscarried, my husband blamed me for everything. Told me it was my fault that she died. I couldn't handle the guilt. I thought that maybe if I were to shed some blood, maybe God would accept it as a gift, but nothing happened. I never got pregnant again. So my husband threw me in here, claimed I was crazy, but I know it was because he was having a baby with someone else. I just couldn't prove it."
[["I am so sorry."|Sorry Jennifer 2 Tyler]]<i>That man had risked his life for this country, and instead of welcoming him home with medals of honor and a big, fat check, they threw him in a building for the criminally insane. I could relate to him, which was why I talked to him that second day, because we were both screwed over by the system.</i>
I made sure that he could see me before I said anything. The sound of him screaming until his voice went mute was enough to haunt my dreams for days after the fact. And yet, instead of trying to talk him through his trauma, they electrocuted him every day of the week.
"May I sit with you?"
I could see the gears turning in his brain as he prepared himself for the sound of his own voice. "If you must."
I nodded at him once and sat down. His questioning gaze made it hard for me to relax.
I opened my mouth to make it clear to him I was about to speak. "So, do you have any stories from your time at the war? Any fun memories of places you got to see?"
I could tell the question surprised him, but his face broke out into a grin a couple seconds later. "Normal people don't ask me that anymore, too afraid I will break down on them."
[["Good thing I'm not like normal people then,"|John and Tyler2]] I said with a smile.
<i>After she was done talking, we cried together where we sat. She hung on me like she was starving for physical contact, and for the first time in my life... I allowed it. I knew I couldn't let her believe that it was her fault.</i>
"Nothing that happened was your fault. Don't make yourself believe that. All that was, was him using you and your emotions against you. Please, don't believe that."
She just sobbed harder. "I - I don't, you're right, it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be. I did everything they told me I should."
One of the orderlies walked by us, and then shouted, "Hey! Stop crying over there." She didn't. "That's it, we need to take you back to your treatment."
"She's just crying! You can't just electrocute her and throw her into isolation. Can't you see that!"
"You know what? Treatment time for you too then. Come on, both of you up and let's go."
[[Follow Orderly|Therapy and Room Day2 Tyler]]
<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 Tyler]]<h1>Day 3</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Day 3 Cafeteria Tyler]]</h5><i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the number of tears I had shed that night for both Tyler and Jennifer. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here. My talk with Jennifer made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that Jennifer had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Jennifer hung herself from the ceiling with her bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec Tyler]]<i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to him, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the guy sitting out in the field, Johnathan Kigmner. The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
[[Talk to John.]]<i>I spent the better part of the hour there with him as he recounted his journey across the sea. I can still see the joy in his eyes when he told me about the woman he fell in love with over there, that he had hoped he could return to after the war. Then, I could see where it took a turn for the worse, because he became reserved and quiet once he recounted the story of his unit.</i>
"We were told to infiltrate one of the possible strongholds of the enemy. Our intel had said that it would be a completely unexpected attack on our part, and we would win the skirmish without even a scratch. We hadn't planned for it to be a trap.
"I was the only one with bomb safety training in my unit, so I tried to insist going first even though there was no immediate threat. My commander would hear none of it and sent me back to the truck. I should've insisted harder, because as soon as the last of my team disappeared into the building, they activated a bomb. It had destroyed the entire building, including all the men inside it. If I would have only stood my ground and went in first, I could've stopped anyone from getting hurt. I blame myself for what happened."
I smiled lightly at him as I felt a tear run down my face. "You couldn't have predicted that to happen. And like you said, you tried to go first, but your superior wouldn't let you. You couldn't have disobeyed direct orders, because they would have sent you away anyways."
He glanced at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as well, "Maybe you are right. Thank you for letting me share my story, and for being there for me."
"Anytime."
The alarm blared loudly and judging by the way Johnathan's face contorted into pain, I realized I had distracted him enough where he wasn't prepared for it. "Oh no."
Then he started screaming bloody murder. The orderlies rushed over and must have assumed it was my fault he was screaming, because I got dragged to my treatment early as a punishment for [[breaking the peace.|Peace John Day 2 Tyler]]<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 Tyler and John]]<h1>Day Three</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Day 3 Cafeteria Tyler and John]]</h5><i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the number of tears I had shed that night for both Tyler and John. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here. My talk with John made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that John had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Johnathan hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec Tyler and John]]<i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to her, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the girl sitting out in the field, Jennifer Styker. Poor girl had a miscarriage a couple weeks before she was admitted. She couldn't handle the grief and started harming herself. Instead of getting her proper treatment, her bastard husband threw her in here. She still can't really look anyone in the eye.
[[Talk to Jennifer.]]<i>I had never had punishment treatment two days in a row. The orderlies weren't very kind about it either, mocking and hitting me as I was dragged to the chair. I was through the treatment in no time, and once again was forced to my room without any more food for the day. The vision had visited me once I got back to my room.</i>
<h6>"You failed again today."</h6>
"You have got to be kidding me. Do not say I have to hear another speech tomorrow of another person."
<h6>"Try again tomorrow."</h6> And then the bastard disappeared.
"GET BACK HERE! YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME AGAIN!"
I screamed until my throat was raw and I fell back onto my bed. For the first time since the year I had been brought here, I cried myself to sleep.
[[Continue|Day 3 Jennifer and Tyler]]<h1>Day Three</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Day 3 Cafeteria Jennifer and Tyler]]</h5><i>I woke up the next morning with my eyes crusted shut from the number of tears I had shed that night for both Tyler and Jennifer. Never had I thought that I would care so much for the other people here. My talk with Jennifer made me wonder how many people actually deserved to be them, and I had also started to doubt my own place there.</i>
The pills were slid under my door again that morning, and I could hardly muster up enough spit to help swallow them down. Crying from the night before dehydrated me way too much.
The alarm buzzed and my door swung open. I didn't rush to the cafeteria this morning. I wasn't ready to hear that Tyler had died somehow.
As I sat down to eat, the same orderly from yesterday went up to the stage again. "Everyone sit down and get to eating, we have some news this morning. Sometime during the night, Tyler hung himself from the ceiling with his bedsheets. Now, if anyone here actually cares, I do not know, but I will tell you one thing. You will not get extra sympathy from anyone here if you decide to kill yourself. If that is your reasoning, guess again cupcake. You are better off dead to us than alive."
I stared at my plate; my appetite completely gone. That was two people who had died after I talked to them. Why does my vision want to keep making me do this?
It wasn't long before the alarm buzzed loudly, and we were escorted outside to the Rec Area.
[[Go outside.|Day 3 Rec Tyler and Jennifer]]<i>The sun still shone bright that day, but the sadness in my chest had just deepened. There was only one more person that I could talk to left. I didn't want to talk to him, because I didn't want to experience another person I grew to understand dying. But the vision said I needed to try again... so that was what I did.</i>
I looked at the guy sitting out in the field, Johnathan Kigmner. The resident veteran here. Only arrived a few days ago, but they say he has severe PTSD. Watched his entire unit go up in flames, and they stuck him in an insane asylum. I'm surprised they let him out here, because the last time any noise was made that he didn't expect, he started screaming until he couldn't anymore.
[[Talk to John.|Talk to John 2]]<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<i>That man had risked his life for this country, and instead of welcoming him home with medals of honor and a big, fat check, they threw him in a building for the criminally insane. I could relate to him, which was why I talked to him that third day, because we were both screwed over by the system.</i>
I made sure that he could see me before I said anything. The sound of him screaming until his voice went mute was enough to haunt my dreams for days after the fact. And yet, instead of trying to talk him through his trauma, they electrocuted him every day of the week.
"May I sit with you?"
I could see the gears turning in his brain as he prepared himself for the sound of his own voice. "If you must."
I nodded at him once and sat down. His questioning gaze made it hard for me to relax.
I opened my mouth to make it clear to him I was about to speak. "So, do you have any stories from your time at the war? Any fun memories of places you got to see?"
I could tell the question surprised him, but his face broke out into a grin a couple seconds later. "Normal people don't ask me that anymore, too afraid I will break down on them."
[["Good thing I'm not like normal people then,"|John and Tyler3]] I said with a smile.
<i>I spent the better part of the hour there with him as he recounted his journey across the sea. I can still see the joy in his eyes when he told me about the woman he fell in love with over there, that he had hoped he could return to after the war. Then, I could see where it took a turn for the worse, because he became reserved and quiet once he recounted the story of his unit.</i>
"We were told to infiltrate one of the possible strongholds of the enemy. Our intel had said that it would be a completely unexpected attack on our part, and we would win the skirmish without even a scratch. We hadn't planned for it to be a trap.
"I was the only one with bomb safety training in my unit, so I tried to insist going first even though there was no immediate threat. My commander would hear none of it and sent me back to the truck. I should've insisted harder, because as soon as the last of my team disappeared into the building, they activated a bomb. It had destroyed the entire building, including all the men inside it. If I would have only stood my ground and went in first, I could've stopped anyone from getting hurt. I blame myself for what happened."
I smiled lightly at him as I felt a tear run down my face. "You couldn't have predicted that to happen. And like you said, you tried to go first, but your superior wouldn't let you. You couldn't have disobeyed direct orders, because they would have sent you away anyways."
He glanced at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as well, "Maybe you are right. Thank you for letting me share my story, and for being there for me."
"Anytime."
The alarm blared loudly and judging by the way Johnathan's face contorted into pain, I realized I had distracted him enough where he wasn't prepared for it. "Oh no."
Then he started screaming bloody murder. The orderlies rushed over and must have assumed it was my fault he was screaming, because I got dragged to my treatment early as a punishment for [[breaking the peace.|Treatment Day 3 Everybody]]<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<i>That man had risked his life for this country, and instead of welcoming him home with medals of honor and a big, fat check, they threw him in a building for the criminally insane. I could relate to him, which was why I talked to him that third day, because we were both screwed over by the system.</i>
I made sure that he could see me before I said anything. The sound of him screaming until his voice went mute was enough to haunt my dreams for days after the fact. And yet, instead of trying to talk him through his trauma, they electrocuted him every day of the week.
"May I sit with you?"
I could see the gears turning in his brain as he prepared himself for the sound of his own voice. "If you must."
I nodded at him once and sat down. His questioning gaze made it hard for me to relax.
I opened my mouth to make it clear to him I was about to speak. "So, do you have any stories from your time at the war? Any fun memories of places you got to see?"
I could tell the question surprised him, but his face broke out into a grin a couple seconds later. "Normal people don't ask me that anymore, too afraid I will break down on them."
[["Good thing I'm not like normal people then,"|John and Tyler and Jennifer 3]] I said with a smile.
<i>I spent the better part of the hour there with him as he recounted his journey across the sea. I can still see the joy in his eyes when he told me about the woman he fell in love with over there, that he had hoped he could return to after the war. Then, I could see where it took a turn for the worse, because he became reserved and quiet once he recounted the story of his unit.</i>
"We were told to infiltrate one of the possible strongholds of the enemy. Our intel had said that it would be a completely unexpected attack on our part, and we would win the skirmish without even a scratch. We hadn't planned for it to be a trap.
"I was the only one with bomb safety training in my unit, so I tried to insist going first even though there was no immediate threat. My commander would hear none of it and sent me back to the truck. I should've insisted harder, because as soon as the last of my team disappeared into the building, they activated a bomb. It had destroyed the entire building, including all the men inside it. If I would have only stood my ground and went in first, I could've stopped anyone from getting hurt. I blame myself for what happened."
I smiled lightly at him as I felt a tear run down my face. "You couldn't have predicted that to happen. And like you said, you tried to go first, but your superior wouldn't let you. You couldn't have disobeyed direct orders, because they would have sent you away anyways."
He glanced at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes as well, "Maybe you are right. Thank you for letting me share my story, and for being there for me."
"Anytime."
The alarm blared loudly and judging by the way Johnathan's face contorted into pain, I realized I had distracted him enough where he wasn't prepared for it. "Oh no."
Then he started screaming bloody murder. The orderlies rushed over and must have assumed it was my fault he was screaming, because I got dragged to my treatment early as a punishment for [[breaking the peace.|Treatment Day 3 Everybody 2]]<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<i>That woman always tugged at my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and then be abandoned by your spouse. She went through hell and she was still kicking. I talked to her that third day, and I don't regret that for a second.</i>
"Hey, uh, can I sit down by you?"
She looked up at me and I could see fresh tears in her eyes. The scars on her arms stood out in the sunlight. They forced us all into short sleeve shirts so they could keep track of any self-harm, but I could tell she was uncomfortable with them being visible.
"Why?"
"Well, you seemed like you could use a friend."
I can tell she is wary, but she still nodded her head. We sat in silence for a while before she quietly whispered "Alaina."
"What?"
"Alaina. That was what I was going to name my little girl. When I miscarried, my husband blamed me for everything. Told me it was my fault that she died. I couldn't handle the guilt. I thought that maybe if I were to shed some blood, maybe God would accept it as a gift, but nothing happened. I never got pregnant again. So, my husband threw me in here, claimed I was crazy, but I know it was because he was having a baby with someone else. I just couldn't prove it."
[["I am so sorry."|Sorry Day 3]]<i>After she was done talking, we cried together where we sat. She hung on me like she was starving for physical contact, and for the first time in my life... I allowed it. I knew I couldn't let her believe that it was her fault.</i>
"Nothing that happened was your fault. Don't make yourself believe that. All that was, was him using you and your emotions against you. Please, don't believe that."
She just sobbed harder. "I - I don't, you're right, it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be. I did everything they told me I should."
One of the orderlies walked by us, and then shouted, "Hey! Stop crying over there." She didn't. "That's it, we need to take you back to your treatment."
"She's just crying! You can't just electrocute her and throw her into isolation. Can't you see that!"
"You know what? Treatment time for you too then. Come on, both of you up and let's go."
[[Follow Orderly|Therapy and Room Day3]]
<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<i>That woman always tugged at my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and then be abandoned by your spouse. She went through hell and she was still kicking. I talked to her that third day, and I don't regret that for a second.</i>
"Hey, uh, can I sit down by you?"
She looked up at me and I could see fresh tears in her eyes. The scars on her arms stood out in the sunlight. They forced us all into short sleeve shirts so they could keep track of any self-harm, but I could tell she was uncomfortable with them being visible.
"Why?"
"Well, you seemed like you could use a friend."
I can tell she is wary, but she still nodded her head. We sat in silence for a while before she quietly whispered "Alaina."
"What?"
"Alaina. That was what I was going to name my little girl. When I miscarried, my husband blamed me for everything. Told me it was my fault that she died. I couldn't handle the guilt. I thought that maybe if I were to shed some blood, maybe God would accept it as a gift, but nothing happened. I never got pregnant again. So, my husband threw me in here, claimed I was crazy, but I know it was because he was having a baby with someone else. I just couldn't prove it."
[["I am so sorry."|Sorry Day3]]<i>After she was done talking, we cried together where we sat. She hung on me like she was starving for physical contact, and for the first time in my life... I allowed it. I knew I couldn't let her believe that it was her fault.</i>
"Nothing that happened was your fault. Don't make yourself believe that. All that was, was him using you and your emotions against you. Please, don't believe that."
She just sobbed harder. "I - I don't, you're right, it wasn't my fault. It couldn't be. I did everything they told me I should."
One of the orderlies walked by us, and then shouted, "Hey! Stop crying over there." She didn't. "That's it, we need to take you back to your treatment."
"She's just crying! You can't just electrocute her and throw her into isolation. Can't you see that!"
"You know what? Treatment time for you too then. Come on, both of you up and let's go."
[[Follow Orderly|Therapy and Room Day 3]]
<i>They gave me extra volts that day because of it was my third occurrence in a row. Little did they know that at point, I wanted them to just crank it and put me out of my misery. The electrocution helped me forget the pain I was facing in the moment, and I didn't care that it hurt anymore.</i>
They brought me back to my room after the punishment and I could do nothing more than fall on my bed and stare at the wall. The two conversations, and one almost conversation, I had the past three days had taken a lot out of me.
Did they really deserve to be here? Do I deserve to be here? Does anyone deserve this torture they call treatment? Will the person I approached today also end up dead?
My mind was racing, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I feel asleep with the thoughts of maybe using my sheets to escape this hell too.
[[Continue|Day 4]]<h1>Day Four</h1>
<h5>[[Continue|Day 4 Cafeteria]]</h5><i>When I woke up that final morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was at the lowest point I had ever been at in my entire experience there, and I had no idea that it would ever get more confusing. However, I knew my body would not survive if I went through another round of the electrotherapy, so I got up and kept moving forward.</i>
The pills slid under my door. I swallowed them down. The alarm buzzed. The door swung open. I walked to the cafeteria.
I grabbed my food. The orderly came in. They read off the name of the person I approached yesterday. Hung themselves just like the others. I stopped paying attention at their warning.
The alarm buzzed. I went outside. I sat in the grass. The alarm buzzed. I went in the indoor rec room. I sat on a couch. The alarm buzzed. I went to eat lunch. The alarm buzzed. I went to my isolation room. The alarm buzzed. I went to dinner. The alarm buzzed. I went to my room.
I sagged down in my bed and put my head in my hands. It was my fault each one of them died. I was the one to drive them to suicide. This was all my fault.
<h6>"Lift your head darling."</h6>
"Jennifer?" I could see the vision of Jennifer sitting across from me on the floor. "Great, now I'm seeing you too."
<h6>"I am no vision. It really is me. I'm just not as alive as the last time you saw me."</h6> She smiles lightly at me. <h6>"Johnathan and Tyler are here too, they just don't want to reveal themselves."</h6>
[["Why did you kill yourself?"]]<i>It was really the only question I thought at the time. I should have been less direct, or even more questioning, but with the amount of messed up stuff I saw, nothing surprised me anymore.</i>
She shook her head at me and laughed. <h6>"You never were the one to dance around a question. But I never killed myself, none of us did. After you talked to me, I finally started to realize that maybe things weren't all my fault. If anything, you had saved my life. Or at least, let me die with a clear conscious."</h6>
"Then what happened to you?"
<h6>"The orderlies had something to do with it. One minute I was falling asleep, and the next I was standing over my dead body on the bed, and I could walk through walls, and no one could see me! Well...except for you that is."</h6>
"So, if what you are saying is truth, and not a figment of my imagination, all the people I have been seeing were just spirits? I'm not schizophrenic?"
<h6>"It would appear so,"</h6> she said with a small smile. <h6>"I just wanted to come warn you. When I said the orderlies had something to do with it, they were the ones to kill me, kill all of us. Tyler heard them talking in the kitchen about you, they are going to kill you using the medicine dose. I think that was how they killed us too."</h6>
The medicine slid under the door. We both sat there staring at it for a couple minutes as I mulled over the possibilities in my mind.
[[Continue|The big decision.]]<i>I didn't know whether I was officially losing my mind and desperately needed my medication, or if I should listen to the talking vision in front of me. There was really only one decision I could make.</i>
"If I am crazy, and you are not Jennifer's spirit, I desperately need that medication. If you are Jennifer's spirit, and you are telling the truth, that stuff will kill me. Even then, what do I do tomorrow if they did try to kill me, and I turn up still alive? What then?"
She sighs, <h6>"I honestly don't know, and you can make any decision you want to. You had saved my life by approaching me, and Johnathan said the same thing. And well, Tyler is Tyler. I just wanted to return the favor."</h6>
She disappears into the wall behind her. I didn't even know I was crying until a drop of water hit my hand.
What do I do now?
[[Take the medicine.]]
[[Do not take the medicine.]]<h4>I did the best thing I could think of, and I took the medicine. It was the same as any other pill I had taken, and I ended up waking up normal the next day. </h4>
[["Did you though?"]]
<h4>So, I did not take my medicine that night. Instead, I went right to bed, and woke up the next morning alive and well. </h4>
<h4>The orderlies were surprised to see me the next morning, but before they could do anything, the police showed up on the front step. </h4>
<h4>The whole asylum was being shut down because of the large number of suicides and dissatisfaction of the patient's families that actually cared about them. </h4>
<h4>We all went through an evaluation on our mental health to determine release or relocation, and I passed it with flying colors. Once I knew who I was seeing and learned to accept that I can see the dead, I knew I wasn't crazy.</h4>
[["Do you have any regrets?"]]<h4>What? What do you mean did I though? Who are you, by the way?</h4>
<h6>"I'm Hailey Linkoff, a reporter who died a few years ago. And you died when you took that medication."</h6>
<h4>No, that can't be right. That... no. I woke up the next day. Didn't I? Why can't I remember? What did you do to me?</h4>
<h6>"Isn't it ironic that someone who can see the dead cannot see when she is dead herself?"</h6>
[[The End.|Start]]<h4>Me? A few. Part of me wishes I would have discovered that sooner, then maybe Jennifer, Tyler, and Johnathan would still be here today. Sometimes I hate the government for letting the asylum operate as long as they did.</h4>
<h4>Then other times I am glad for the path that my life had gone on. Maybe if I wasn't there the mother would have actually killed herself. Or the veteran would have spent the rest of his days being haunted by his past. </h4>
<h4>No matter how much doubt I have about whether I belonged at the asylum, or if I made the wrong decisions to talk to them, I start to remember how I had changed their lives, and how they changed mine. </h4>
<h4>When I imagined my life, I did not expect to be considered crazy. Or to even listen to a vision when it said to talk to someone, but I still did.</h4>
<h4>Sure, I will never have a normal life, but what even is a normal life? Can we define that?</h4>
[["Thank you again for agreeing to this interview. You have accomplished a lot in this life, and it is an honor to be seated in front of you today."]]<h4>Yes, yes, I have.</h4>
<h4>And I would have never been able to experience that without Jennifer, Johnathan, and yes, even Tyler.</h4>
[[The End|Start]]